Weeping Feathers
by The Lilacgirl
Summary: Mara Hawke is frustrated and fearful she is loosing Anders slowly as he becomes more withdrawn over time. She finds comfort with an most unlikely object.


What do you do when the man you love is lying to you and you are fully aware of it? Do you play along, pretending everything's fine? Do you confront him? Or do you just dive head first into the deepest depths of misery?

These questions thrashed through Mara Hawke's mind as she glared into the flames of the main room's fire. Bodahn had once again 'forgotten' to clean it and so the white marble was now somewhat blackened with soot…Hawke didn't care about that though.

Anders was in the study…writing furiously, he never got far these days though. He usually growled in frustration or made sad little sighs before crumpling the page up and throwing it away…Mara usually woke to find him passed out at the desk surrounded by a mountain of rejected manifesto writings.

Tonight was no different…Anders was in a particularly foul mood for some reason. She had guessed it was about the mage rebellion, some escape attempt had gone wrong, making Anders even more broody than Fenris.

She stretched, hearing her stomach announce it was hungry…

She couldn't help but giggle; it was such a strange noise, as she headed towards the study…her mirth quickly fading as she poked her head into the room. _By the Maker…there are now two mountains…_

"Anders?"

"Yes Hawke?" She cringed, remembering when he used to call her pet names…she would give anything to have him call her 'love' again…

"I'm getting hungry, would you like me to make you something to eat?"

"No…I'm fine." He grunted, his quill making harsh scratching noises against the parchment…it was the only sound in the mansion these days…the scratching of his quill as he wrote and the sounds of her muffled weeping…

"Have you eaten at all today?" She asked timidly.

"Maker's breath Mara, I'm busy right now!" He barked, whirling around in his chair and glaring at her.

This caused her depression to ignite into white hot anger, "And I'm simply trying to make sure you don't starve!" She yelled, slamming the door as she walked out.

_Jerk!_ She thought as she walked away, _See if I offer to bring you food again, by all means starve to death at that little desk…you blighted, glowing bastard!_

She made it to the stairs when the door creaked open behind her, Anders stepping out.

"Mara, I'm sorry…I'm just…I'm just tired and worn out, I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"You're right, you shouldn't have…I'm only trying to take care of you and all you do is snap at me!" She knew to push him like this was idiotic, but she was too angry to care.

She was tired too…she had been dealing with so much after the Qunari…as Champion of Kirkwall she hardly had moments to herself let alone with Anders and it was taking its toll on her mentally. Anders was also distancing himself…and after his stunt with the fake potion and forcing her to lie to Elthina she'd about had enough of him.

She wouldn't throw him out though…no, she couldn't. She loved him far too much, and was so scared for him it had become a physical ache in her chest…her heart permanently encased in a block of ice. Occasionally the ice would begin to melt…she'd see him smile at her, or he'd caress her face before going out to the clinic…but those moments had been getting rarer and rarer to the point where she felt like screaming whenever he touched her.

"Mara…" Anders groaned, raking his hands through his hair, which had come loose from its tie.

"No…forget it, sorry…" She growled, glaring daggers at the floor, "Do you want some food or not?"

"I do need to eat something…" He confessed, "I'll have whatever you're having." He offered a fragile smile, one that looked painfully forced… before going back to the study.

Mara sighed, biting her lip until it bled to hold back tears…Maker she wanted more than anything to just fall to the floor and weep.

So much had been taken from her, so much had happened…Anders was one of the only thin threads holding her up, and his was becoming frayed and stretched to the point where she knew it was going to snap she was just in a permanent holding pattern…waiting for her eventual fall into darkness.

She moved down into the kitchens…finding Bodahn carrying Sandal to bed, the poor boy had fallen asleep while enchanting again.

She forced her face into her 'everything is fine' mask and sent Bodahn an understanding smile, "Rough night?" She asked.

"He just gets so absorbed in his work; poor lad just passes out when he's finished." Bodahn chuckled as he disappeared into their room.

Mara moved to start making tea, then preparing her food. Nothing extravagant, she just put slices of cheese over bread, placing them on an oven tray and toasting them. It was a simple food Anders seemed to enjoy.

Moving everything onto another tray she carried it up to her lover, wondering if he'd even touch it…he was probably just humoring her so she'd leave him alone.

Entering the study again she found he'd started ripping pages…flakes of parchment scattered across the floor like snow.

"Here" She murmured, placing the tray beside him.

"Thank you…" He muttered, before snarling in outrage and throwing the pages he'd been writing over his shoulder, his fist slamming into the desk.

"What is it this time?" She asked, exasperated at his mood swings.

"I can't…" He growled, "I can't write anything…the words are all here, in my head but I can't get them down properly!" He pressed his forehead against the desk, "It's driving me insane…"

"What if you took a break? Come and rest…"

"I can't." He said, stubbornly and with minor irritation, "too much needs to be said before…" His voice trailed off.

"Before what?" She asked, raising one eyebrow.

"N-nothing…" And then he shut down. His face became a hardened mask as he turned from her, "I'm just rambling…" He mumbled, picking up his quill and resuming his writing.

"Fine." She snapped, "Don't talk to me…"

"Damn it Mara, I'm doing this for you!"

"Doing what?" She cried, "All I see you doing is pushing me away, shutting down every advance and secluding yourself in this room!" She heard her voice crack, her body beginning to shake, "Andraste's ass Anders…" She growled, "You used to talk to me every now and then at least…"

"Mara…" He groaned again.

"No. I'm done Anders…I'm tired of this." She turned, "I don't want to fight with you anymore…" She opened the door, unable to stifle a sob as she slammed it behind her.

He didn't pursue her this time…

So much had changed…and in a direction she had never foreseen. She now knew that Anders had meant every word about hurting her.

Her mother dying had been a tragic thing, and the pain and heartache from that hadn't really faded…but it had been quick, the horror occurring in an instant. This thing with Anders…her losing him, was a slow burn that was steadily increasing, but it was an agonizing process.

She stepped into her room, leaning heavily against the door as she closed it. She glanced about the room, finding her things neat and tidy, but Anders' mess thrown about everywhere. He'd stopped being organized years ago, favoring chaos for the sake of more time with that damned manifesto.

She undressed angrily, throwing her clothes on the floor and hurling her boots at the wall. Slipping on her favorite shirt of Anders' she felt her chest tighten in pain.

Maker it smelled like him…she missed him. He was being an ass but she still wanted him…badly. She was cold far too often at night.

She moved towards the bed, finding a bulky shape hanging over the edge. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw what it was…

His coat…his old coat. It was worn and tattered almost beyond repair, one of the reasons he'd begun wearing a new one…that one black…but this one was a comforting sight, bringing back memories of older, far happier times.

She reached out hesitantly, as if the coat would bite her…lowering her hand into the soft feathers, petting the pauldrons affectionately.

She picked up the coat and brought the collar to her face, inhaling his scent deeply…memories of his embrace, his affection washed over her in a cascade of nostalgia that left her weeping into the soft materials.

She fell back against the pillows, pulling the covers over her. She wound her body around his old coat under the blankets, burying her face into the feathers and crying herself to sleep.

. . .

Anders felt sleep tug at his consciousness…the desire to just throw the whole damned manifesto in the fire becoming so tempting he actually left the room to avoid it…it was a desire that if carried out would be immediately regretted.

He stretched, listening to his spine crack and pop in relief from many hours in the chair. He spotted the door to his room with Mara was closed…she'd obviously gone to bed.

He realized the only thing he ached for right then was to be with her…

Entering the room he saw her curled up in the middle of the bed, only her dark hair peeking out of the blankets. He smiled softly as he drew near, taking off his coat and boots before moving to his side.

He drew back the covers…stifling a sob as he saw her fully.

She was curled into the fetal position, her arms and legs wrapped tightly around his coat while her face was pressed into a feathered pauldron. Her flushed skin was from crying…her cheeks shining with wet tear tracks. Every now and then she hiccupped in her sleep, each time nuzzling her face further into the coat.

"Oh Mara…" He sobbed, crawling into bed and replacing his coat with his own body.

Her eyes opened slowly and she sniffled, nuzzling his shoulder before realizing he wasn't a coat…

She then stiffened and recoiled, turning away from him as she tried to dry her eyes without him noticing.

"Marian…" He whispered, shaky hands reaching out to pull her back to him, turning her in his arms.

"I miss you…" She wailed, new tears forming, "This is killing me Anders…every day I die a little more inside and it feels like you don't care."

He pressed his forehead to hers, whispering apology after apology…

"What happened to my handsome raven?" She whimpered. That was his undoing; he jerked her to him, wrapping her in his arms as he buried his face in her neck.

"I'm still here love, I'm still right here." He murmured against her skin, shuddering as he felt her legs wrap around him, her body pressing even closer.

"Maker but I love you Anders…so much it hurts."

"I love you too…" He kissed her, passionately, his heart quickening as she moaned when their tongues danced.

He pulled away panting heavily, wanting more than anything to just rip his shirt from her body and bury himself inside her…

"I love you Mara Hawke, no matter what happens never doubt that."

"What do you mean, whatever happens?"

"I can't tell you…" He whispered, "Just know that it is necessary."

"I don't like the sound of that." She growled, but he silenced her with another kiss.

"I love you" He breathed, over and over again between every kiss he pressed to her lips, her cheeks, her jaw and neck…

She melted under his ministrations…throwing her worry and doubts aside as she soaked in his love for her.

For the first time in months she felt warm…her heart no longer locked in ice, but bathing in warmth and love once more.

This was far from over…but she didn't care as long as Anders still loved her. That was all that mattered to her now.

* * *

><p>Note: This amazing story was not written by me but by an amazing writer Materfae on Deviant Art h t t p :  / materfae . deviantart . com/ (Remove the spaces) this was part of a trade I did with her, and drew her a picture of Anders and her very lovly Hawke Maeve h t t p : / jellybonkerz . deviantart . com / gallery / # / d3kydqf

Mara is my Hawke from my one-shot Almost Gone I have Materfae's full permission to post this with her blessing. I love it so much, I just had to share.


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